So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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