So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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