our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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