So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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