I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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