Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
