Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
