Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
