i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
