did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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