please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
