What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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