Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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