my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
