Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
