i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the night ended with taco bell and tears
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
