You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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