You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
