I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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