so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
