my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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