she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
