the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
