Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
