i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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