I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
