Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
