I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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