when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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