hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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