There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
