As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
