chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
4 words: hood of his car
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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