The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
