she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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