So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We are two peas in an std pod
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
