Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
