Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
