i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
