ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The uberlube is also flammable
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
