I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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