There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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