I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
