I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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