If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I am naked and annoyed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
