how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
