I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
