There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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