I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
