1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This is my gift to your gina
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
