I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cannot find my penis.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
